An Egyptian Cinderella

Ready to  publish an extract of your story? Try to showcase your best bits. For example, the moment your ‘Rhodopis’ (you can change the name) is given her special garment, or perhaps you want to show off your comparative sentences by describing her against her competitors?

Don’t forget our Padlet page where some of you shared your ‘show-not-tell’ sentences. You can magpie some ideas!

18 Comments

  1. PRINCESS KELSANG AND THE MAN FROM MARS
    By Finley

    Once upon a time there was a princess called Kelsang. She was the daughter of a Tibetan tribal leader and lived in the cold, barren and mountainous region of Himalayas. Her hair was as dark as the night sky and shone like the biggest star. She was kind, thoughtful and generous. She wore clothes that were bold and bright and as colourful as a rainbow.

    One day, an alien named JogJog abducted Kelsang from her home and took her to the pinnacle of Mount Everest. He was an evil and ominous alien that lived with other aliens that came to Earth from a planet far, far away so they could see how the humans lived. He took Kelsang because he wanted a beautiful human maid. He lived with his two daughters Soku and Sosu who were mean, ugly and noodly whereas Kelsang was sweet and pretty. They did not like Kelsang as they were jealous of her.

    When Kelsang was young she ran into a pack of wolves and was as afraid as an ant about to be stepped on by a human. However, another wolf stepped in and defended her. Bastian, was as fierce as a lion but he loved Kelsang and followed her to Mount Everest to protect her as much as he could as if that was his only goal in life. Bastian had a very special superpower. He could make himself invisible and could fly. He was sad that Kelsang was so lonely so one day he took her emerald green bracelet while she was sleeping and he had a cunning plan.

    Captain Jo-G was the leader of the alien colony. He was the most handsome of all the Earth aliens and was able to shapeshift into a human so he could meet new human friends without them knowing his secret.

    Bastian the wolf knew that Jo-G was having a birthday party which was going to be colourful, happy and fun. He also knew that Jo-G was unusually nice for an alien and would be a good companion for Kelsang. So he delivered the bracelet to the party. Jo-G saw the bracelet which shone green into the large room. He knew that it belonged to someone special. He said “whoever wears this bracelet will be my bride”. Alien women had arms as noodly as spaghetti and it would not stay on their wrists.

    He went around the colony looking for this special women and when he got to evil JogJog’s house he saw Kelsang. She tried the bracelet on knowing that it was the bracelet her Mum gave her. Jo-G and Kelsang fell in love and lived happily ever after with their pet wolf Bastian.

    • Wow, I hope you had some help typing all this up Finley! It’s certainly a great read. I especially love your descriptions, my favourite is ‘Alien women had arms as noodly as spaghetti and it would not stay on their wrists’ I also noticed you are still using key words we have learned in Whole Class Reading.
      Excellent work Finley! 🙂

      • Hi Mrs Byrne,
        Yes, Mummy helped type otherwise we would’ve been there till 2022! 😬 Mummy learned that I have a pretty crazy imagination too!! I am trying really hard to use show not tell and descriptive words. Ominous and pinnacle are two of my new words that I like to get into my writing!

        • Yes I see that Finley, it really shows in your storytelling. As for your crazy imagination – it’s what makes you a fabulous writer! 🙂

  2. The man who observed dancing Rhodopis was so amazed! She was moving nimbly like a snake and at the same time gently as a blade of grass in the wind. The Master have decided to ask his amicable shoemaker to make the most beautiful shoes in whole Egypt! They were supposed to be glittery like the shining stars reflecting in the Nile and gold like boundless desert sand. The Master thought, that nothing could overshadow the beauty of Rhodopis’ dance, but the shoes would bounce the sun rays and brighten life of everyone who will watch dancing Rhodopis.

    • Wonderful writing Daniel! I love your similes, absolutely beautiful. You’ve really captured the scene well and painted such a vivid image. Good job!

  3. Once upon a time, there was a girl that lived in Greece, her name was Anali. She was very beautiful small girl with dark green eyes as emerald stones and ginger long hair as orange river.
    One day she went outside her house and saw a wonderful colorful bird looking like a rainbow. She followed it but then the bird flew away and she realized she got lost. When she tried to find her way home, she was attacked and kidnapped by two ugly men that sold her in Egypt.
    She lived in a village with three annoying, very mean girls. They didn’t like her because she was nice and beautiful and she wasn’t Egyptian. The girls would order her around the place. She felt very sad and lonely.
    One day she did a beautiful dance so her master was kind and gave her two golden shoes. The shoes were as bright as the sun. The three girls were so jealous and their faces were red like tomato.
    But few days later, a monkey came from no were and stole Anali’s shoe. She was so sad and distraught, cried all night and her tears dripped down her face like a waterfall. However she didn’t know about the monkey’s plan to make Anali very happy.
    The monkey dropped the shoe to the Pharaoh and when he touched this beautiful shoe his heart beat loudly like a bell in a church tower and he knew that whoever this shoe belongs to will be his queen.
    So he traveled across Egypt to find the owner. He went over towns, villages, pyramids and rivers . He had a lot of adventures and dangerous situations. One day he found a big field of sleeping scorpions where he almost died. Pharaoh was very brave so slowly and quietly tiptoed next to them. If he woke one up it would wake the rest up and there was over a million of them! He was as quiet as a cat and made it past.
    When he was looking for his queen, hundreds of women were following him but none could fit into so tiny shoe. Suddenly he found a village where Anali lived. The shoe fit on her foot and she became his queen. They lived happily ever after.

    • Alex, you have included lots of good similes, well done. I especially like ‘the shoes were as bright as the sun’ and the bit where the jealous girls had ‘faces as red as tomatoes!’
      Well done for including extra obstacles for the Pharaoh to overcome – a field of sleeping scorpions! That shows me you are applying some of your learning from Beowulf too. Fantastic! 🙂

  4. The first kipa and all the others tried putting the slipper on their foots, but none of them could fit the slipper on their foot. Everyone who tried the slipper on, knew exactly who it actually belonged to. As everyone was trying the slipper on,one person sat their sobbing in the corner, the kipa and his friends all went to see what this was all this sobbing about and spoke to the poor girl. She told everyone that she had lost her slipper and was very upset. Everyone started whispering until one of kipa’s friends announced that they have the slipper she is looking for. They gave her the slipper and she went home skipping happily as she had finally got her slipper back.

  5. Once upon a time Marceline was stolen by priest and was sold as a slave. Her long beard owner liked to snooze under a banana tree and never saw his daughters boossing her around.
    When night fell Marceline danced like the quitest mouse, her legs moved like the waves in the river of Nile. Her animal friends like an elephant, chicken and kangaroo danced with here.

    The next morning, the two sisters were talking about seeing the Pherow with food dancing and lots more. They wouldn’t let Marceline come because she had lots of things to do. The girls set of but one splashed muddy water on Marceline’s buitiful hat so she cleand it. Eventualy a camel Tooke it and bring it to the Pherow.

    The time passed and the camel gave the hat to the Pherow. He went everywhere to just find the owner of the hat and he found Marceline and married her.

    The End

    • Marcel, I love your heroine’s name! I think a real strength of your writing is your use of adverbials – they move the story along well. My favourite line is ‘her legs moved like the waves in the river Nile’ Brilliant! 🙂

  6. Once upon a time there lived a women called Rodpis. She lived in Egypt near River Nile and got kidnapped by Romans. And became the Romans’ slave. They didn’t let her wear any slipper. One day they had to do a dance in front of the Romans’ there were three girls who didn’t like Rodpis and she went and danced for the Romans’ and one of the Romans liked her dance and said she doesn’t need to go bare foot any more. One morning the three girls (that were mean to Rodpis) heard that the Egyptian King had a ball. So the they went to in ball and told Rodpis to stay because the three girls were mean and gave her there chores. So then an eagle (a sign of an Egyptian god) took Rodpis’ slipper and dropped it on to the Kings lap and he through it was sign of god and he said ” who ever will this slipper fit on will be my Queen.” So the King searched the town and none of them was fit able. The King tried it on the three girls but is didn’t fit. Rodpis went outside and tried the slipper on her and it fit so Rodpis became the Queen and the three girls were jealous. Rodpis and the King got married and lived happily ever after.

    • Benedict, a good twist using Romans – how clever. I think you forgot to mention that Rodpis was given slippers although you said she didn’t need to go barefoot anymore. How would you have described them I wonder? Keep up the good work. 🙂

  7. Along time ago in Cyprus there lived a kind and beautiful girl named Maria. Maria lived happily with her mother and father and they loved each other very much. But one sunny morning whilst Maria was on her way to to the market something terrible happened! Maria was kidnapped by an evil Egyptian witch! the witch had been watching Maria and had seen how beautiful she was and thought she would be able to sell Maria as a slave and make lots of money. The wicked witch cast a spell on Maria so that Maria would do as the witch commanded. The wicked witch flew all the way back to Egypt with Maria, across the beautiful, blue ,glistening sea and high in the white, fluffy clouds.
    Maria was sold to a rich Egyptian man called Alim, Maria was going to be one of Alim’s slaves. When Maria woke from her spell she realised what had happened! Marias body was trembling, her eyes were filled with tears and her head hung low. Although Maria was scared and felt alone she soon realised that Alim was a kind man and Alim promised to treat Maria well. Even though Maria was treated well by Alim, the other slave girls didn’t like Maria. The other slave girls would make fun of Maria because she looked different from them. The other slave girls hair was as black as soot, their skin had a golden glow like the sun and their eyes were hazel brown. Maria’s hair was long, shiny and as red as a beautiful rose, her eyes were as green as emeralds and her skin was as pale as the clouds.

    • Archie, this is fantastic! I love your use of adjectives and you clearly are using ‘show-not-tell’ techniques. I see you also included some comparatives sentences too. Great writing, I am hooked as a reader and want to read on. 🙂

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