Show NOT Tell – The Cave

He looked down. There was still such a long way to go…..

Finish the story using the show not tell techniques we have learnt about in our online lessons.

37 Comments

  1. in the middle of nowhere was a man climbing down into a cave.as the man descends in the whole water drips onto his body. ” I can do this!” He slowly crawls down and down , his fingers turn white and he drips with sweat. he could hear water banging on the rocks ,animals going through the bushes and birds tweeting

    • Some interesting sentences Sophia, double check all of them for accurate use of capital letters and full stops. Redraft below to show me πŸ™‚

  2. He carefully descended down into the vague darkness of the sunless cavern. He thought to himself, ” What if someone or something else is down there…” He wandered further into the cave, the further he went, the darker it became. He clung tightly to the rope, he had been holding it for hours. Torment. Agony. Distress.

    • Hi Hayley, interesting use of the sentences. Well done. I like your short sentences at the end for effect.
      Try now to include two more sentences – one which starts with an adverb and one which starts with a verb. Write them below πŸ™‚

  3. He looked down.There was still such a long way to go. His fingers began to turn white and all of toes wouldn’t move , β€œ I’M GOING IN FURTHER OK ? β€œ
    He began to shiver. He began to bite his lips he can’t even see his hands
    He felt droplets of water touch his shoulder

    • Hi Tilly, some lovely sentences here – I like your use of dialogue. Try to include all the sentence types i.e. Description, Action and ones which start with verbs or adverbs.Varying your openers makes a difference too. REhearse one sentence below using a different opener πŸ™‚

        • I like how you’ve started that sentence with a verb and included speech. I’d suggest that you don’t use block capitals unless you’re shouting though πŸ™‚

  4. The climber was looking down at the pitch, black endless hole. It was terrifying. He stared. He shouted,” Will I ever get out of here?!” he was trying to get up so much he was sweating like mad. He was sweating so much it was like it was raining on him. He started to pull. He was thinking he could get out. He pulled and gripped, cluched and hugged. He was almost out when he ran out of breath and he started to go back down. He started to fall asleep when he remembered something… He remembered the sooner he gets out the sooner he is free so he started again and eventually he made it up to the very top and he looked down and said, “I made it!!!!”

    • Well done Maci – you have used an interesting range of sentences here that engage the reader.

      Top Tip- Try to vary your openers. Perhaps try starting a sentence with an adverb πŸ™‚

  5. Shaking, the trained stunt-man lowered himself down towards the jet black cave.
    As the highly trained man got closer to the the bottom he thought to himself”Am I risking my life to danger?”
    As the athlete wandered around the pitch black cave but the further he went the darker it became.
    The man looked down there was still a extremely long way to go.
    The man was full of fear would he ever make it down???

    • Well done Chloe, you have tried to use various sentence types. Double check the one which starts – As the athlete. Rehearse this and check your use of ‘but’ πŸ™‚

  6. He looked down. There was still such a long way to go! He was surrounded by darkness, all he could see was the bright, green, glowing braken. The water circled around him like a tornado in a storm and the darkness raced around his anxious body. Carefully and slowly the man stepped forward on the slippery rocks, that were as slippery as ice. He could feel the blisters bubbling on his hands as he clung onto the rope with all his might. Petrified, the sweat dripped down his forehead, like water dripping from a broken tap. “Keep going, you can do this” he whispered to himself. Bravely he continued his decent into the deep, dark, damp unknown.

    • Hi Archie!
      Firstly, I love your description of the blisters bubbling – I could almost feel his pain!
      You have crafted this carefully and incorporated a range of sentences to engage the reader. Incredible work. I hope you are proud πŸ™‚
      Top Tip – don’t forget the punctuation just before you close the speech marks too.

  7. Fear. It took over his mind. He stood on the brink of the old, grey cliff,staring intently in the hollow, endless cavern. He thought to himself “Should I risk my life leaving my family. He was anxious about going down in the murky depths where no one has been before, not even professional explorers. Apprehensively, he clutched the rough rope feeling the strong burn against his sore hands. He felt more than mournful, he felt aghast, in fact he was emotional. The elevated man stood on the craggy brim in front of an intimidating well, towering rock which oozed water quite quickly. Shaking, he took a nerve-wracking step, fearing he would never see his friends and family evermore.

    • Confident use of different sentences types! Well done Daniel – I love your use of the verb oozed πŸ™‚

  8. As the man descended down the dark abyss
    his hand where full of sweat he still descended.

    his hands started to blister but he would not stop for his life depended on him.

    • Hi Finley, double check your use of capital letters and full stops here. Remember you are aiming for 6 sentences too πŸ™‚

    • As the man descended down the dark abyss his hands full of sweat But that would not stop him. His hand started to blister yet again that would not stop him.He continued to descend. His shoes full of the from water below. Then his fingers started to burn but he couldn’t let go.A minute later he finally got to the bottom.

  9. As the man gripped onto the rope the wall crumbled slightly under his feet. The professional stunt-man gripped onto the rough rope and began to sweat. The professional stunt-man scanned the rocky walls all around him, as he noticed how far down he really was. He thought to himself, “Am I alone in here?” As he said that a low growl came from bellow. Slowly, the man slipped off the edge of the solid, craggy abyss. Sweating the man heard the ear-piercing echo of the dripping water inside the pitch black cave. Gravel quickly, slide aside him into the abyss and heard a, “Splosh!” From bellow…

    • Beautiful! Considered use of the different sentences! I enjoyed reading this – particularly the sentence starting ‘sweating’.
      Double check your last sentence for clarity πŸ™‚

  10. He looked down. There was still such along way to go.
    The climber began to slide down the rope.
    In the distance he heard the sound of pouring water. He thought: I’ll go down there and see what’s in there, maybe a waterfall”.
    The professional was descending lower and lower on wet, dripping stones.
    Between the rock he could see a waterfall and pretty green bracken leaves.
    His strong hands were already very tired, his hands were cut from the rope, his body was shivering from the effort.
    The man wanted to see what would happen next in the dark, wet cave, but there seemed to be no end to it.

    • Well done Lily – some carefully crafted sentences here, great use of prepositional phrases too πŸ™‚
      My favourite sentences is the one about the sound of pouring water. This is a great example of show not tell.

  11. In the middle of the great jungle layed a hole of abyss there was person climbing down it. His hands were burnt to the top like an electrifying shock as he held on to the rope a stream of glistening water rushed next to him. The stunt man lowered himself down into the abyss. The man said, “I hope nobody or nothing is down there?” Terrifyingly, he held himself on the brink of the rocks quickly he climbed to another ledge. He was so terrified he nearly fell off into the abyss he had been holding the rope for hours now.

    • Hi Savion,

      You have used some excellent vocabulary choices here – I’m thinking of abyss, electrifying, brink etc…
      I like your use of different types of sentences too.
      Top Tip – try starting a sentence with a verb next to give variety i.e. Shaking,

  12. He looked down there was still such a long way to go. He was alone holding the rope, regrets filled his mind. Sweat poured down from his face. The man was in a forest, it was showered with green, damp bracken wherever he looked. He looked down into the endless abyss hoping there was nothing down there. He panted. Water cascaded down into the dark emptiness. The man whispered to himself β€œ You can do it.” He began to descend into the cave.

    • Well done Hannah. An interesting description with different sentence types.

      Top Tip – try starting a sentence with a verb or adverb next to give variety and avoid repeating ‘he’ i.e. Shaking, πŸ™‚

  13. He looked down. There was still a long way to go. The deep cave dragged me inside while i clutched the rope. He slowly fell down the deep abyss. He shouted “HELP,HELP HELP!” Hoping someone would hear him he was helpless. He wondered if that was how he would die and he thought he would rot in a dark cave. He was frightened he didn’t want to be stuck in the deep unknown. He held the rope tightly hoping his life wasn’t over.

  14. Curiously, he look down to check if he was near the end but he was not!The cave was rough, hard, and some edges where sharp.He looked down again hoping he was there but he was not.He still had a long way to go.The man thought to himself “When will I ever get down!?” he sighed.He carried on climbing down as his hands were rubbed against the rope he was using to get down.

    • Well done for submitting this Joanna. I can see you’ve tried to use a range of sentence types and I particularly like your use of speech.

      Try to submit on the day next time Joanna πŸ™‚

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