Year 6 Slow Writing Wednesday 13th May 2020

Hello Year 6! I hope you are all well. Here’s your slow writing task for this week…


Today, you’re going to use the same ingredients to write twelve sentences about this picture: Don’t forget to use the Padlet inspiration from yesterday! Well done to those of you who contributed yesterday!

1) Write it in pen first following all the ingredients above

2) Now proofread it and edit it

3) Next, change ten first choice words for ten third choice words

4) Now get someone in your house to read it for you. How can they help improve it?

5) Finally, publish your polished version in a comment box below! Show off your skills!

REMEMBER! Write for the reader! Give them every detail…imagine they can’t see the picture!

 

20 Comments

  1. He stood alone.

    Brave, bold, fearless, he was ready to face whatever comes his way. On the outside, he felt tranquil- a symbol of courage (inside he felt timid). Carefully putting one foot forward, he stepped onto the thin rope which was the only thing keeping him from falling onto the city below. How much longer can it support his weight? How far was the ground? Why was he doing this?

    “God keep me safe.” He thought to himself … this is a prayer for safety. Some would run away in fear; others (like him) would stay and face their greatest fears.

    Minute-by-minute, he stepped across the thin wire beneath his feet. He was as high as white clouds floating in the sapphire blue sky. If you were in this situation, would you tremble in fear, or walk with courage like him?

    • Hi Jessica!
      What an impactful first sentence! And super adjectives in the second one. I like your attempts at using a dash, hyphens and parenthesis too – great high-level punctuation! I’ve really enjoyed reading this. You describe his feelings very figuratively!
      Have a look at your tense – you write mostly in past tense, which is perfect, but where might you have slipped into present tense?
      Well done Jessica!
      Miss Lee

  2. There it stood. Alert, anxious, agitated it gazed ahead. Outside, he looked calm and cool but inside, his mind raced as a dizzy blur descended into his vision. Each step he took, his heart started to beat faster. How can he possibly go through this? How stable was the wire? Will the giraffe be able to make it? It said to himself, “Please make me pass this…this might be my last time seeing the world.” Without any further doubts, he decided to face his biggest fear; now was the time to cross the rope of destiny… or doom. Minute-by-minute, inch-by-inch, the giraffe slowly moved across the rope one step at a time. Now was the moment to close the gap; noting could go wrong in the last few feet. Who knows what will happen, will he make it or not?

    • Hello Nima!
      I LOVE the alliteration of your three adjectives, and the description ‘dizzy blur descended’ really paints the pictures. Your semi-colon sentence is great, especially with the added parenthesis. ANd well done with your grammar, Nima. It sounds super!
      Take a look at your verbs – you start in past tense and remain in past tense mostly, but slip into present / future at times. Where might the tense need fixing?
      Well done!
      Miss Lee

    • There it stood,

      Uneasy, unsteady, unsettled, how on earth was did he manage to get up there! Outside, he wanted his hope to still last (inside he already knew that his courage was not going to help). Carefully putting one foot forward, he took a sigh of relief that he at least did that. In the same time he had so many questions going on his mind, “What if I fall?” ….. “Will I ever get down?” All the questions were unpredictable. Now was the time make his decision; destiny or doom.
      Minute-by-minute, he shuffled inches forward, he had to gain enough courage to be able to reach safety. If you were in this dreadful situation,would you either walk with hope or be lost in doom?

      • Hi Neha!
        Brilliant adjectives – I love that your list of three near the start all begin with the same prefix!
        I think your attempt at parenthesis is a great go, as are your descriptions of actions and feelings. Your final rhetorical question has real impact on the reader too.
        When you proof-read and edit, take a look at some punctuation – double-check question marks, direct speech, commas, and semi-colons.
        Well done, and thank you for contributing!
        Miss Lee

  3. Lovely sunny day. Fast, quick and nimble as the giraffe crossed the rope. The giraffe- was tall and slender- was crossing the rope. Trembling, the legs crossed the rope slowly. Why is the sky blue? Why are the clouds white? Why is the giraffe up on the rope? The tall buildings in the background, “Touching the skyline,” How high are these buildings…
    In the background stands high-rise buildings. Perfect weather for the giraffe to cross the rope: on a beautiful sunny day. High in the sky like an aeroplane.

    • Hi George,
      Thank you for your slow writing today! I like your three adjectives, as well as the two that describe the character as ‘tall and slender’. Your present participle sentence works too!
      When you re-read, take a look at the grammar. Do the sentences flow and are they complete?
      Well done, George!
      Miss Lee

  4. Alone she stood,
    Tremulant, alert, frozen, I gazed ahead, moving my head slowly. I felt uneasy and timid on the outside-inside I felt delicate but rather brave- was this because I was alone? Stepping hesitantly forward, I could hear my heart pounding faster and faster like a tiger in a cage. How will this rope hold my weight? Will this be my last goodbye? Why am I here in the first place?
    “ oh lord please help me in this difficult situation,” I pleaded, as if expecting a hand coming to aid me,… a prayer for my safety. I can do this, I CAN walk on the rope to get to safety; I believe in myself and nothing can stop me from reaching safety. Minute by minute, inch by inch, step by step, I shuffled my way to the middle glancing at the world underneath me. Leisurely, I moved steadily like a snail in a hot climate. I was as high as a skyscraper…°~°

    • Hi Freya!
      Wow! You’ve used some impressive language: alert and hesitantly are well selected. You describe feelings and actions well, and your rhetorical questions really reveal the mind of the character. A superb go at direct speech too!
      When you re-read, check the person. You’ve started by saying ‘she’ but then change to ‘I’. Third person would be best. Double-check punctuation too – capitals and hyphens.
      Thank you for commenting, Freya!
      Miss Lee

  5. There it stood. Cautious, vigilant, alert. He froze as the danger flashed before his eyes! Looking almighty brave on the outside, but his heart pounding like a drum on the inside. Trembling with fear! he had so many questions racing around in his head…… What if i fall? What if the rope snaps? Will i can’t make it to the end? “Come on you can do this” he said aloud to himself, but what if i can’t?…….. so many mixed emotions whizzing around in his head. Ive made it this far; not much further to go! so with a few deep breathes he slowly and carefully put one hoof in-front of the other, inch- by- inch trying hard not to look down, his body felt as wobbly as jelly! but with only a few more steps to go, he could hear the crowds below cheering for him! he felt a burst of energy and courage take over his body and with a giant step forward he made it!

    • Hi Ava!
      A great try – I really like your three listed adjectives and your rhetorical questions accurately portray what might be going through the character’s mind. Your semi-colon has been used perfectly – well done! It’s lovely to read a description of the crowds below and the ‘burst of energy’ he feels.
      When you re-read, listen to the grammar. Check that where you have used ing present participles, the sentences are complete.
      Thank you for commenting, Ava!
      Miss Lee

  6. There it was. Anxious, aware, alert, it looked ahead of what there is to come. On the outside, he is calm but on the inside his heart is racing up and down. Trembling, he crossed the rope slowly. Why is this happening? Why is it on the rope? Why now? “Don’t fall. How high am I…?” The buildings stand high behind.The weather was perfect. The sun shone down against his skin. Its like the same height as an aeroplane.

    • Hello Aaron!
      Your alliterative adjectives (anxious, aware, alert) are very effective! I also like your present participle – trembling!
      When you re-read, ask yourself where your sentences need more cohesion. Do the ideas flow and link? Where is more vivid description needed?
      Thank you for commenting, Aaron! 🙂
      Miss Lee

      grammar – tense

  7. There it stood. Vigilant, attentive, chary – it was ready for anything that stood in the way. On the outside he felt distressed and clam – however in the inside he felt hopeless and fearful – slothfully walking across the uptight rope. Staggering along the rope he felt anxious like he was going to fall . Was he going to fall? How did he get up there?How is he going to get down? He said to himself “What I am I doing up here in the skyline.” As his foot was slipping did he fall… Some would be terrified like the people when bombs explode; others, like him, would be breaking their and being strong. He up-tightly staggered his way across the heart-wrenching rope at a snail-pace. Inch by inch he moved: with fright and terror in the inside. He was trembling like an old man on the unsteady rope. Who knows if he will get to the end?

    • Hi Leona!
      I love the use of ‘vigilant’, ‘attentive’ and ‘distressed’. You’ve also used some really unique words – I learnt some new ones from your slow writing! I like your simile attempt as well as your cohesive present participle ‘Staggering’!
      When you re-read, double-check grammar such as word choice and ensuring sentences are complete.
      Thank you for commenting with your work, Leona!
      Miss Lee

      Punctuation – parenthesis, hyphens, colon commas for clarity and direct speech, grammar – incomplete sentences

  8. There he stood.

    Anxious,alert,attentive, he glimpsed over the rope,his stare hadn’t changed his feeling of the startling ‘way’ ahead. Outside, he was the definition of serenity- a towering statue of cautiousness and bravery(inside, his better judgement of the scenario was clouded by the Adrenalin pumping through his veins,giving him away dizzy blur. Treading meticulously, the giraffe raised anxiously onto the rope-he subtly made his first vigilant step. Did his aspirations get the better of him? Is this his last few minutes alive? Will we witness his demise?

    “May I rest in peace,”he yelled, as a symbol of his fear of death. With many regrets, he advances onto the never-ending rope, hoping a miracle would materialise; he looks unsteady… Will he fall… Will he make it out of this alive… Is this his demise… as the rope had started to disintegrate.

    Second-by-second, inch-by-inch, He lurched gradually along the burst rope, and now the feeling of death viciously sunk in. Remaining focused was his only priority: he could not die this far into his venture. The giraffe was as high as the Burj Khalifa – his heart and stomach circle did in a dance of fear and anxiety. In a blink of an eye, the thread of rope had been conquered by this colossal, gargantuas creature. Did he just… Has he… Is he alive

    • Hello Aiden!
      A great effort! I really like your vocabulary choices, especially your three alliterative adjectives and words such as ‘serenity’, ‘meticulously’ and ‘demise’! You’ve attempted some high-level punctuation accurately, especially your dashes, inverted commas and commas for clarity. You really describe the action and feelings so vividly! It’s a really enjoyable piece to read.
      When you proofread, check especially for missing/inaccurate punctuation and ensure verb tense is correct and consistent.
      Well done!
      Miss Lee

  9. Frightened and frozen. As tall as it is, shivering, swaying, still steadily balancing on the rope. Aiming to reach greater heights, as high as the clouds in the sky. Not to be carried away by negative thoughts of falling of the rope. So should our efforts be. Amidst the clouds of fear and anguish. Life must continue to move on though slow yet steady.

    • Hello Christiano!
      Thank you for your slow writing contribution!
      You’ve been very ambitious in some of your word choices: negative, amidst, anguish and steadily. I really like your simile and your ‘slow’ description. You give a good amount of detail per sentence!
      When you proofread, check the grammar – does each sentence have a clear subject that’s performing the action?
      Well done Christiano!
      Miss Lee

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